The U.S of A: Home of the Brave, Land of the Free(dom). Whether you love us or hate us, there are some things to keep in mind while visiting the great nation of America. Remember, people: we don’t start wars, we end them. That’s how it goes, right? (Doesn’t matter, we have more army than you.)
To help yourself blend in better and avoid suspicion among the world’s most proud people, here are some things to avoid doing around Americans:
Tell us we can’t supersize it
We Americans have mastered the art of large portions. Did you know that 7-11’s Double Big Gulp holds more than twice the amount of liquid as the human stomach? Now that’s what we call freedom!
Say you don’t like football
Unless of course you’re talking about that silly European kind. In America, you have to love football. Even college football. Even high school football! If preschool football were a thing, you’d never be allowed to miss a game. “Clear eyes, full diapers.”
Try to take away our guns
Don’t try to ban firearms from your family-friendly restaurant unless you want a whole bunch of guns up in it, ‘cause we’ll protest. We can eat that free bread and sip our tap water while stroking our barrel and glaring at the hostess all day long. Just try us.
Contradict our version of history
What do you mean we never successfully invaded Canada during the war of 1812 and they burned our White House down? Are you trying to say we didn’t win the war of 1812? We won and it’s in our textbooks, which we wrote so obviously we know what we’re talking about. Pipe down, Canada.
Tell us, ‘this is the largest shirt we have’.
No. It can always be bigger. Trust us.
Insult our heroes
You can say anything you want about Donald Trump but don’t even think about saying an unkind word about American hero and national treasure Arnold Schwarzenegger, former Governor of California turned Reddit weight-lifting advisor. He may have been born in Austria but he’s ours now.
Not shop at Walmart
Walmart isn’t just a store; it’s a Friday night hang out in some small towns. It’s downright un-American not to take advantage of their suspiciously cheap deals while being helped by underpaid senior citizens.
Diss our cheese
You might not find it on a charcuterie board, but at least good old American cheese doesn’t smell like ripe gym socks. And does “camembert” even come in an aerosol can? Yeah, we didn’t think so.
Use non-American terms
Ask us where the washrooms are and we’ll look at you like you have three eyes. Refer to your beanie as a “toque” and we’ll revoke your citizenship.